Who Are You Marrying? A Man Or A Male?

And here's the truth most people never say out loud, sometimes, the reason we end up with the wrong person isn’t because we’re naïve or foolish. It’s because we were never taught what right even looks like. Our choices get shaped by what we saw growing up, what we learned to normalise, what we were praised for tolerating. Sometimes it’s the ache of childhood wounds still trying to play themselves out, trying to fix the unfixable through someone else. Or we’re carrying stories handed to us by our mothers, grandmothers, culture... stories that taught us to settle, to over-function, to love like martyrs and call it strength. So of course we end up chasing intensity, trying to earn crumbs, mistaking control for love.

But a man, a real one, THE ONE WITH INTEGRITY, he doesn't drain you or make you doubt yourself. He doesn’t punish you for your feelings or disappear when things get real. He meets you. He holds space for your chaos, your dreams, your shadows. He listens when you speak, not because he’s waiting for his turn, but because he cares what’s inside you. He’s not threatened by your power, he respects it. You feel safe with him. Regulated. You can breathe. And that safety? It doesn’t feel like fireworks, it feels like coming home. A man protects your peace instead of hijacking it. He takes accountability, not because he has to but because that is who he is. No games,no masks, just presence, respect and quiet strength.

So if you’ve been choosing pain, don’t shame yourself, get curious, start asking where the pattern began and what it’s really costing you. And then slowly, bravely… choose different.

There are decisions that shape your days…and then there are ones that shape your soul. Who you choose to build a life with is one of them. Because to be honest, one of the loneliest, most soul-draining places to live is inside a home that lacks peace.

The person you choose to share your days with will shape everything, how you feel when you wake up, how safe you feel in your own skin, how much energy you have to pursue your purpose. He’ll influence your nervous system, your joy, your confidence, even the way your face looks over time. That’s how deep this runs.

So choose someone who adds to your peace. Not someone who hijacks it.

It is especially important to recognise the kind of male who looks good on the surface but carries a low value spirit underneath. These males are often clever performers. In the beginning, they might seem wildly attentive. Over-the-top romantic. Saying all the right things. Maybe he floods you with compliments, makes big promises early on, mirrors your values, your dreams, even your tone of voice. He might text constantly, talk about moving in, say he’s never felt this way before. And part of you wants to believe it. Because who doesn’t want to be chosen like that?

But if you slow down and pay attention, you’ll notice something is off.

These are often the early signs of an unhealthy relationship, even if everything looks good on the surface.

The way he talks over you in conversation. The subtle digs dressed up as jokes. How he seems to lose interest when you're not praising him. Maybe he becomes cold when you set a boundary or say no. Or you notice how often he interrupts, corrects or subtly competes with you.

Soon, what once felt like a fairy tale starts to feel... confusing. He begins withdrawing affection when things don’t go his way. He questions your memory of things, says you’re too sensitive, too emotional, too much. You find yourself over explaining, walking on eggshells, trying to stay on his good side. Your energy starts leaking. You stop trusting your own instincts, which is a classic pattern of emotional manipulation in relationships.

A male of low value often has an inflated sense of importance and a deep discomfort with true intimacy. He might resent your strength while pretending to admire it. He might turn everything into a power game, controlling the plans, withholding attention to punish you, playing victim when called out. He may flirt openly with others to make you feel insecure or twist your words to confuse you.

He undermines your confidence through subtle jabs or jokes.

He shifts blame when conflict arises... it's always somehow your fault.

He gaslights you making you question your memory, your perception, your intuition.

He pulls you into cycles of affection and rejection, leaving you on edge, hoping for the next "good phase".

He gives you the silent treatment as punishment.

He makes you feel like you’re “too much,” “too emotional,” "too paranoid" "too jealous" or “too sensitive” whenever you express a need or a concern.

He is too attached and too controlling over money.

He’ll praise you... and then punish you for the same thing he admired.

He may withhold affection, affectionately blame your reactions or retreat into cold detachment, especially when you need him most. It creates a craving inside you, a constant need to “get back” to the good version of him.

This is how your nervous system becomes addicted to the high-low rollercoaster and over time, your self-trust erodes.

And the worst part is, this happens quietly. Gradually. So much so that you begin to question yourself more than you question him.

This kind of male can drain the life out of a woman. A home with someone like this becomes a battlefield, not always loud but tense, cold, emotionally exhausting. You might look around and not recognise yourself anymore. You may feel smaller. Duller. Disconnected from your own light.

That’s why it’s so important to notice the signs early.

Does he listen when you speak, or does he wait to talk? Does he celebrate your growth or get defensive about it? Can he hold space for your pain without making it about him?

Watch how he responds when you say no. Watch how he treats the waitress, the cleaner, the people he doesn’t need to impress.

But It’s Not Just About Him

It’s also about what he carries and what you take on by staying connected.

Look at the background. These things don’t arise in a vacuum. What is his relationship with his mother? his father? his siblings? Has he done any healing, any inner work at all?

Does he even believe that the past affects the present?

Males who come from dysfunctional family systems often carry unconscious blueprints of neglect, entitlement or emotional disconnection. If he was raised in an environment where women were belittled, emotionally controlled or emotionally unavailable, that imprint doesn’t vanish when he moves in with you.

You’re not just marrying him. You’re marrying the system that made him. And if he hasn’t done the work to untangle himself from that legacy, guess what? He’ll recreate it with you.

Red Flags Are Real. Don’t Minimise Them.

Some signs are quiet. Others shout.

Here are some other things to pay attention to, especially in the early stages:

Excessive self-focus

A constant need to be admired or validated

Subtle (or not-so-subtle) control over your decisions

Dismissing your emotions or calling you “too sensitive”

No real curiosity about your needs, desires or inner world

Making everything transactional, nothing is freely given,

Being uncomfortable in sharing the bills, especially on your first date

Criticising others constantly (it’s only a matter of time before it’s you)

A sense of emotional coldness or shutdown during moments of intimacy or challenges.

Being an energy vampire, sacking every bit of energy, knowledge, ideas out of you.

Family patterns of avoidance, emotional neglect or covert abuse, especially if he minimises them.

A past filled with crazy exes,crazy friends, crazy family members and zero accountability

Refusal to go to therapy, read, grow or even self-reflect as he is above all of that.

One or two of these things might be survivable but when it becomes a pattern, you need to stop explaining it away. You’re not judging, you’re observing the roots of a tree you might be asked to sit under for years. If his relationship with his own inner world is a mess, it will leak into your life, one way or another.

And no matter how charismatic or charming he is, if he hasn’t looked inward and done the real healing, you will be the one who ends up trying to hold it all together.

So take your time. Listen between the lines. Don’t get swept up in the performance and don’t let your empathy override your instincts. You’re not being too much... you are being wise.

Here’s the Heart of It

If your peace disappears the longer you stay, you’re not imagining it.

If you constantly feel like you have to earn love, stay quiet to keep the peace or betray your own truth to “make it work” — something is deeply wrong.

A relationship should not feel like walking on emotional eggshells, If it does, it may be a sign of emotional manipulation, not love. You should not need to recover from love.

It took me years to learn that just because someone wants you doesn’t mean they know how to care for you.

Just because they say they “love you" doesn’t mean it’s safe to stay. Your peace is your power and nd you have every right to protect it.

Set boundaries like you mean them. Trust the pauses and don’t mistake intensity for love.

In the end, who you marry will affect everything... your physical health, your mental health, your emotional and spiritual health, your social life, your career and more! Don’t let charm blind you to character. Choose someone who feels like a warm exhale at the end of a long day. Someone who respects your fire without trying to put it out. Because a house full of tension is a slow heartbreak.

And a peaceful home? That’s gold, that's a temple!

Let Me Be Honest

Trust me, I’m not just speaking as a coach who has worked with hundreds of women facing the same problem, I speak as a woman who lived through it.

I spent 25 long years inside a relationship that broke me in ways I couldn't see at the time. Twenty-five years of slowly losing myself in a relationship with a male that costed me more than I can ever fully explain. I paid a very, very dear price in joy, in vitality, in self-worth, in assets!

But I came back home to myself and now I help other women choose peace and real love... before the price gets too high and the way out becomes a rescue mission instead of a choice!

Choose A Man Not A Male!

More to follow...

With Love,

Maria